Twin Flames and Attachment Styles: Reclaiming Your Power in Love by Shelby Avann

You may have heard of soulmates. One of them being the twin flame.

I believe that we have many types of soulmates. Our family, our friends, co-workers, animals, and of course, the most well-known one being the romantic partner. I define a soul mate as someone that you are meant to have in your life for a period of time (long or short) that is there to teach you a lesson. The lessons can vary.

Years ago, I read a book by Vianna Stibal called Finding Your Soulmate With Theta Healing, and she discussed 7 types of soulmates. I did a YouTube video talking about this, attached here: YouTube

She talked of the twin flame soulmate being one of the soulmates that weren’t high calibre. Meaning they aren’t really the one you want.

The way I understand a twin flame in spiritual terms is a soul that was split in two when it came to earth. So it needs to find its other half. You will know when you find your twin flame because you will have had similar life experiences. You can expect this dynamic of one of you being a runner and the other being a chaser until your work is done and you finally come together.

This story can seem romantic; however, I found it disempowering. It just sounded like an awful relationship. Who wants to feel that stressed with someone they love?

When I started doing my certification in attachment theory, I gained a new perspective on twin flames. The whole runner and chaser dynamic was an anxious and avoidant attachment style of dating. It’s an insecure relationship.

Let’s describe what is common to each insecure attachment style:

Anxious

Their main fear is abandonment or rejection. Need a consistent connection because they haven’t been taught to self-regulate. They will overanalyze what is being said or not said. Are people pleasers and will almost always put others before themselves. Will act bratty or have a temper tantrum when they feel disconnected and may play into guilt tactics (unintentionally).

Avoidant

They were taught that their basic needs would be met (food and shelter), but their emotional needs they were on their own for. Relying on others or trying to be vulnerable would lead to criticism, being dismissed, and not being comforted or regulated. So now they don’t want to get vulnerable with others because they have been shown it isn’t safe to do so. They will pull away when feelings get too “intense.” Will avoid conflict, or repair conversations, or completely shut down. They value independence and may not want to do things together.

Fearful Avoidant

This attachment is a combination of the above insecure styles. Their biggest wound is from being betrayed and feeling like they cannot trust people. Fear dominates them. They will send mixed signals or the relationship will feel like a roller coaster of them wanting to be close and then pushing people away. They want depth and intensity, but the vulnerability of that doesn’t feel safe. If they allow someone that close, how can they trust that they won’t break their heart or betray them? They are hypervigilant and will notice inconsistencies very quickly.

If you want to learn more about attachment styles, grab one of my online courses! I would suggest Feminine Power in 28 Days as it includes the Intimacy, Sex, and Attachment Styles course as well. AND if you grab it in 2026, you can use the code “HHW2026” to get it for only $99 (regular price is $555)

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Insecure attachments are drawn to their opposite. (That saying of opposites attract may very well originate from this). Anxious and avoidant types are drawn to one another. Fearful avoidants can lean either direction, so they can attract both anxious or avoidant types. Fun fact: I am earned secure. (Yes, this means you have power over your attachment style and can also become earned secure). I used to be a fearful avoidant. I most commonly attracted avoidants and found myself being the more anxious one in relationships.

I can attest to the fact that most of my relationships had that runner and chaser effect. The relationship that made me start to really do my healing work was with a person who definitely had narcissistic tendencies. I was blind to those tendencies for a long time. Well, I chose not to see them is the more honest truth.

We were in this pattern of being together and then breaking up. This happened many times over a year. It felt like an addiction to me. I was unhappy with him. I remember a coach asking me what I liked about him, and I struggled to find an answer that wasn’t about the sex being amazing. What I learned about that, is that the reason there is so much wild chemistry in these types of relationships is because this is the only real way that we are getting that attention, connection, and feeling of love. We don’t get emotional intimacy in these relationships. There isn’t real vulnerability.

Here are a few things that you DO get from these types of insecure relationships:

Anxiety
Conflict without repair (instead, you get sex, which tricks your body into thinking your connection is ok again )
Losing your confidence
Losing connection with your family and friends
Losing your connection to self

Hands up for who wants that in their lives! Literally no one.

The thing about these relationships is that they are so painful, that they become the point where you have had enough. They are the relationships that bring on change. And that is the beautiful thing about a twin flame / insecure relationship. It really sucks to have to go through them. Often it takes increasingly bad ones to finally see the pattern, but when we do, we start our journey to earn security.

And that’s what I can help you with in my coaching. If you are ready for that change, it’s time to listen to that pain and that intuitive voice that you have been pushing aside. Invest in yourself. Invest in becoming earned secure. And let me help you. It’s really hard to do alone. It can be done, but aren’t you tired of being lonely?

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