Building Trust In 5 Steps by Shelby Avann

Trust is something we often think about in relation to others. Can I trust my partner? My friends? Can I trust my co-workers, my boss?

Do you think about the people in your life who are trustworthy, or do you think about the ones who have mishandled it ?

Being betrayed is an awful feeling.

AND I bet you had an inkling that something was going on before the big betrayal happened.

Our intuition, our nervous system, knows when something is off. It is up to us to choose whether or not we listen.

And this is where the biggest trust question comes up. Do you trust yourself?

Do you trust the niggle that says something is off?

Do you speak up when something isn’t right?

Do you handle issues when they come up, or do you shut down, pawn it off, or run away?

Trust begins with us. With our relationship to ourselves.

Here's a personal example of what happened when I chose not to trust myself.

In 2021, I met a guy online, and we ended up dating on and off for about a year.

While we were planning our first date, a huge red flag appeared. He told me where we were going, what time to be there, and what to wear.

Hello, Dom vibes... but the unhealthy kind.

Now, I know my Fifty Shades and smut girlies are probably swooning right now, but let me explain why this was a red flag.

This type of control can be incredibly hot—but only when there's trust, consent, and communication. It's exciting when someone knows you, knows what you enjoy, and you've both agreed that this dynamic feels good. They tell you what to wear because they know it's your favourite outfit, and you're both looking forward to them taking it off later.

That's a completely different situation.

This man didn't know me at all.

He picked a place that was three hours away from where I lived (my location wasn't listed on the app we met on), and I didn't enjoy being told what to wear. I got upset. Instead of taking responsibility, he turned it around on me and blamed me for never telling him where I lived—even though he had never asked.

That was the first red flag.

Throughout the relationship, many more followed.

My body was anxious all the time. I didn't feel safe bringing up concerns because every conversation turned into a full-blown fight. I was exhausted, emotionally drained, and becoming lonelier by the day.

It wasn't until a year later that I realized this deeply wounded man displayed many narcissistic qualities. He cheated on me, gaslit me, manipulated me emotionally, and slowly started isolating me from the people around me. But I don't regret that year.

It became one of the most transformational years of my life.

I dove deeply into my own personal growth and realized that I was actually using the communication and healing tools I was learning. The problem wasn't that I was doing it wrong—it was that he wasn't interested in listening, taking accountability, or treating me with respect.

Looking back, I could have saved myself a year of heartache if I had trusted myself when that very first red flag appeared.

But I don't regret it.

That experience created the change I needed. It deepened my understanding of trust, boundaries, and self-worth, and ultimately led me to the work I do today—helping other women learn to trust themselves before they lose themselves in someone else.

When we start to listen to our intuition, our nervous system, and our body. We begin to trust ourselves. When we say we are going to do something and follow through, we prove that we are reliable not only to ourselves but also to others.

When we say no to certain things that don’t align with us, or we just don’t want to do, it makes it clearer to ourselves that we honour our time and energy. It becomes clearer to others what we want to be invited to and what we are here to show up for. It also shows people what our boundaries are.

When we say no, the universe sees that and says ok, I’ll send less of that and more of what she is saying yes to. Although you will still get tests to see if you are strong in your no.

So, here are 5 ways you can start to listen and trust yourself more:

Notice which people in your life make you feel anxious, irritated, pessimistic, down, and which ones make you feel grounded, peaceful, optimistic, safe. Really feel those different states in your body so that you can notice them in real time when they come up in the future. Then you can act accordingly to the situation.
When you get a niggle or a hit of intuition, follow it. If journaling is your thing, you can write down what intuition said, and whether you followed its directions. Then write what happened. This may take a bit of practice at first because our ego/dysregulated self can be louder than intuition. Intuition to me is this deep knowing. It comes in peacefully, and it won’t try to push in front of ego. It is heard best when you are in a regulated state. It can be weird sometimes, but it always has what is best in mind for you. Ego, on the other hand, speaks in a louder way. It is more protective and fear-based. It can feel more childlike in the reaction. Ego and dysregulation go hand in hand.
I’m a dancer and an instructor, so I like to tell my women to really listen to their body in class. My classes are meant to be fun, so I want them to speak up and let me know if something is hurting their body. If they need something adapted. If they want to move slower or faster, that is fine. Want to put your own flair on the choreo? Great! Don’t feel like doing that one move today because you are in your luteal phase, grumpy, sensitive, and sore. That is fine. Listen to your body and do what it’s asking you to do. Be kind to it. As women, I don’t think that we are nearly nice enough or compassionate enough to our amazing bodies.
Say no. Stop people pleasing. All it does is create distance from who you really are. You are not a pushover. Say no to things and people who drain your time and energy and never give back to you. BUT there is a caveat here. If you also never ask for help, do that first before outcasting your crew. This is also a trust exercise in others. When you say no, it allows people to show you if they will respect your no. If they don’t, then that gives you valuable information. If you ask for someone’s help, you may be pleasantly surprised to receive a yes! Again, valuable information.
Stop sourcing out your desires. This means that if you are a more anxious attachment style (check out my other blog post or my 28-day course for more info on this), you may have a tendency of saying things like “whatever you want to do.” “I’m easy, I’ll eat whatever.” It’s time to start actually voicing your desires and stop being secretly resentful.
BONUS step! When you say you're going to do something, follow through. Especially when it's a promise you've made to yourself. Every time you do, you strengthen your integrity. You teach yourself that you can be counted on. And that's one of the fastest ways to build lasting self-trust.

How are we doing?

Did you see parts of yourself in this article?

If you did, and you're ready to rebuild trust with yourself, I'd love to help.

I truly believe that self-trust is one of the biggest stepping stones to creating your dream life.

Here's how we can work together:

1:1 Premium Online Coaching – For those who are ready to commit to deep, lasting transformation.
Group Coaching Program – This August, I'll be opening a six-week online program focused on rebuilding trust, integrity, and confidence in yourself.
Dance With Me – Every month, I begin a new four-week group dance session in Toronto. You can even join the first week at a reduced price to see if it's the right fit for you.

I'd love to support you on your journey.

Check me out here:

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https://www.intimacyangel.ca/

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