Perusing the Value Village bookshelves, one title, 203 Ways to Drive a Man Wild in Bed by Olivia St. Claire, jumped out at us. Debra Anderson, a long-time neighbour from when I lived on Alberta Avenue, laughed. “We don’t need 203. We just need one way. Breathe.” Then added, "Not that men are a lower life form.”
The male’s biological ability to procreate indefinitely is a crucial difference. Women after 50, Anderson agreed, are done. We have raised children if we had them and are now turning inward, pursuing passions beyond the boudoir.
Anderson enjoys oil painting and treasures her solitude. Beloved Canadian author Margaret Laurence wrote in Dance on the Earth; she couldn’t be a wife, mother and author, so she chose the last two. Like Anderson and Laurence, I prioritize. Beginning with writing, supporting women writers, and enjoying outdoor activities with my son. The chief complaint I hear from male friends is, “You’re so busy.” My inside thought is, Yes, with my passions, adhering to my natural rhythms.
There are as many ways to cater to that inner calling as there are women. I did not come to my present satisfaction in singlehood on a direct path. My route was littered with buffalo-sized speed bumps and torturous detours.
Married at 20 for only seven years, I slipped in and out of short-term relationships for the next two decades, driven to be coupled. I believed I was destined for a life-giving, mutually beneficial relationship in my mid-forties. After all, I had grown into a mature, confident, and vibrant woman. My confidence dived when at 48, I learned my dream partner bedded two other women on his trucking route. Facing life alone hit me hard on my 50th birthday. Mascara was not an option when dressing to attend the party for my nephew’s nuptials. After that day of tears, I moved into my single phase residing there comfortably for the last decade.
It took my 30s and 40s to revise the family and societal expectations of coupledom and discard my mother’s statement to me after my divorce at 27. “Find a man before you’re too old and ugly and no one wants you.” In talking with women over 50, many of us find one thing in common. If we ever did, we no longer capitulate to solely meet or fulfill others’ needs, some of us prioritizing our interests for the first time.
Now and for the past eleven-plus years, I want me. I am the only one to be irked if my kitchen table has become my second office utilizing a speedy acquisition flat surface filing system. I prefer my terminology over one partner labelling my technique, “flat surface disease.” My bedside table is littered with a bright light, three or more books and a scratchpad to capture middle-of-the-night inspiration.
Speaking with certainty for several of my peers, we are not into being a nursemaid without the previous investment of a shared life together. In a coffee club for singles over 50, women commiserated they were only meeting needy men who wanted nurses or caregivers for their grandchildren. There are different options for intimacy if so desired. Many older singles define coupledom differently by maintaining separate residences. That may appeal to even a hard-core loner like me, provided the one who wants to be significant in my life enjoys solitude and different pastimes. That is one way I might consider coupledom now.
Reference links in the body of the story above
St. Claire Book: https://www.amazon.ca/203-Ways-Drive-Man-Wild/dp/0517595338
Margaret Laurence Book Link: https://www.amazon.ca/Dance-Earth-Memoir-Margaret-Laurence/dp/0771047479
Learn more about Rusti:
Rusti L Lehay, a global editor and book and writing coach, created over 40 articles guiding writers to authordom. Witnessing writers find and speak in their own voice to serve the real boss, the audience, not the editor, is one of Rusti’s greatest joys. She offers bi-monthly online writing STAY-Treats and monthly lounges and teaches weekly creative writing classes. Her primary mission is to inspire, provide value and make writing fun and easy.
Links: https://linktr.ee/rustilehay
Click here to sign up for the Friday Writing Video Challenge delivered every Friday morning to your inbox.
Click here to book a discovery chat with Rusti.
Click here to join the weekly Monday co-working zoom space. We complete stuff!
Click here to sign up for a newsletter offering the best and strongest tidbits and resources for writers.
Sexual health and well being is our basic human right and we need safe and trusting platforms to express ourselves and to receive accurate information. As a sexual wellness coach and sexual health educator, one of the most common concerns of my clients is lack of libido.
Sexual health is an integral component of spiritual, emotional, mental, and physical health and its intricacies are unique to each person. Since sexual health is entwined with these four aspects of our being, changes to our sexual health are rarely the result of one factor but rather the collective combination of factors that either move us towards or away from sex.
Seeking support of a trained professional is beneficial for sexual healing, to resolve your sexual or relationship roadblocks, and achieve your own sexual self-realization.
Arousal first, desire second.
As we age and our hormones change, our desire becomes much more responsive than spontaneous. In general terms this means that the conditions and environment need to be such that we can feel aroused. This could equate to fewer or no distractions, more organized surroundings, more time, feeling rested, greater intimate connection through play and touch and a whole range of factors unique to you. These individual factors need to be identified in order make lasting changes that are beneficial. By knowing the optimal circumstances and environments to activate arousal, we in turn, cultivate desire. This requires note only the intention but the continual openness to curiosity and the commitment to practice.
If we don’t use it, we lose it.
Our biggest sex organ is our brain so get sex on the brain! Read erotica, watch ethical porn, talk about sex with your trusted friends, hire a sex coach or therapist, find sex positive role models, listen to sexy podcasts, create a desire list, and explore the ways you like to be touched and give touch sexually and non sexually. There is no shame in being sexually proactive.
Give yourself permission for pleasure.
Explore your body - EVERY FABULOUS PART OF IT
Create a self care, self pleasure practice. Use lots of lube and find yourself a great vibrator if you have not already done so. Use a mirror and get up close and intimate with your genitals. Not only can this be humbling but it can also be incredibly empowering. Most of us had very little sex education growing up and as a result we may not be familiar with our body parts that are not easily visible.
Schedule sex - this can be sexy, trust me. If you don’t place intention around sex it will likely not happen.
Communicate with your partner and remove expectations around “the finish line” and focus on nourishing pleasure and cultivating desire. Slow things down. Spend more time with massage, foreplay and play in general and agree to including penetrative sex as one of the many ways of enjoying sex, rather than the primary focus.
Add some spice to that vanilla
Loss of desire can also be due to boredom, so it is important that this is acknowledged, and changes are made - new positions, new places, fantasy play, the addition of sexy toys and clothing – the skies the limit!
Address other factors that may be contributing to loss of libido such as stress, sleep disturbances, diet, and exercise.
Aging and a reduction of estrogen causes the vagina to atrophy and the tissues of the genitals to thin. Increasing blood flow to the region through exercise, sexual activity and use of oral and topic products will help to enhance stimulation and prolong the health of the tissues.
If pain and/or loss of pelvic floor tone is an issue, seek out the services of a pelvic floor physio therapist.
Plant Based Options
Ashwagandha: Also known as Withania somnifera, is one of the most powerful herbs in Ayurvedic medicine. This ancient ingredient is used as an 'adaptogen' and has unique anxiolytic stress-relieving qualities. Often called 'Indian ginseng', it's rejuvenating properties provide a plethora of health benefits for both body and brain.
Early research shows that taking ashwagandha extract daily for 8 weeks along with receiving support from a sexual health professional increases interest in sex and sexual satisfaction in adult women better than counseling and coaching alone.
CBD oil and CBD-rich cannabis oil may combat some of the most problematic symptoms associated with menopause, including sleep disturbances, mood changes, and aches. Anecdotal evidence and animal model studies suggest that combined cannabinoids, rather than the more readily available CBD isolate, may be better at alleviating some of the more severe symptoms associated with menopause. When high-quality CBD oil is combined with positive lifestyle changes, there may be a greater synergistic effect, though further research is necessary.
Topical cannabis oils, lubes and suppositories have been very helpful to many women. They help to increase blood flow and support prolonged orgasm.
Check out:
https://blissforia.ca/collections/pleasure
Other natural plant-based products such as horny goat weed and essential oils such as Ylang Ylang are aphrodisiacs and help to increase blood flow.
Life is better with lube
It takes the vagina a minimum of 20 minutes to “sweat”. If there is penetration before this time and not adequate lubrication, we can get micro tears in our vaginal wall which can cause sex to be very painful! Lube not only makes sex more enjoyable, but natural, water based, plant-based lubes specifically designed for women can help to slow the aging of the vulval and vaginal tissues.
Try Sutil Rich lube by Hathor:
https://blissforia.ca/products/sutil-rich-body-glide-lubricant
Hormone Replacement Therapy as well as low dose Testosterone has been known to help some women. Schedule an appointment with you doctor to find out about what is best for your body.
No one needs to go through this alone. You can get your sexy back and to stay around for the long term! ❤️
I am here to help. Feel free to book a complimentary, confidential discovery call:
https://choicesforsexualhealth.com/request-empowerment-coaching
Always in support of your sexual health,
Corinne
Corinne Underwood is the founder of Choices for Sexual Health. She is a Certified Therapeutic Sexual Wellness Coach, Sexual Health Educator and CBD Advisor. She works with clients to repair and strengthen the relationship with themselves and others by supporting them to heal trauma, love themselves shamelessly, embody pleasure, deepen intimacy, and utilize sexual energy to live fulfilling lives. www.choicesforsexualhealth.com www.blissforia.ca
Hormone fluctuations may start in the early 40s and cause physical, psychological, and emotional changes. This time leading up to menopause is called perimenopause and it may last several years.The time after menopause is postmenopause. For some women menopause isn’t a natural event it is induced menopause caused by medical treatments like chemotherapy and radiation, or procedures that damage or remove the ovaries. Women who experience induced menopause often have more severe symptoms than women who have natural menopause.
Each woman experiences menopause differently and not all women are bothered by it, but the majority are affected to some extent.
Estrogen has many receptors, meaning it plays a role, in several tissues and organs in the human body, like the uterus, ovaries, bone, brain, breasts, vagina, and vulva, musculature of the pelvic floor, urethra, bladder, heart, and liver and when it fluctuates and declines during the menopause transition, it is responsible for many experiences.
Most people know that hot flashes and night sweats are common with menopause, but women may have experiences that they may not recognize as related to the hormonal changes of perimenopause and menopause, like:
Irregular menstrual periods, heavier or lighter, shorter or longer, absent, spotting:
Urinary incontinence, such as peeing when coughing or laughing, urgency, having to go right way, frequent bladder infections (UTIs):
Vaginal dryness, itching, pain with sex, bleeding during intercourse;
Low sex drive;
Fatigue, lack of energy,
Headaches , joint pain;
Irritability, heart palpitations;
Sleep disturbance
Difficulty concentrating and memory problems;
Dry and itchy skin;
Weight gain, especially around the middle;
Mood swings, anxiety, and even depression
Many women are unprepared for menopause and suffer in silence believing they are the only one and there’s no relief. It doesn’t have to be that way. Women should have adequate information and understanding about menopause to empower them to make decisions regarding their care.
Menopause is not a disease but it affects women experiencing it—and their partners, children, family, friends, and colleagues.
The potential impact of this important life event should be taken more seriously and should be talked about openly.
Menopause shouldn’t be taboo.
Let’s talk about menopause!
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Teresa is a Trailblazer in the Toronto West branch of Happy Healthy Women. She provides one-on-one consultations, in person and online, offering support and care, evidence-based, and accurate information, to enable women to make informed choices about the management of their menopause.
To learn more about Teresa Isabel and her work visit: https://menopaused.org/en/
Contact by email Teresa@menopaused.org
Do you pee when you laugh? Sneeze? Run?
Do you lubricate less during sex? Does sex hurt?
If you answer yes to any of these questions and you're in your 40s the most likely reason is perimenopause- the years before menopause, when estrogen and other hormones, start fluctuating unpredictably and declining.
Because vulvovaginal atrophy (VVA) isn’t a media-friendly term, NAMS (North American Menopause Society) has changed it to Genitourinary Syndrome of Menopause (GSM). This term is also more encompassing, as it describes not only vulvovaginal symptoms such as dryness, burning, irritation, discomfort, and painful intercourse, but also recurrent urinary tract infections, urinary urgency (a sudden compelling urge to urinate), and painful or difficult urination.
Also, the new nomenclature, GSM, doesn’t imply that the condition is a disease, like atrophy seems to, but it better describes a cluster of signs and symptoms linked to decreased estrogen and other sex hormones affecting female genitalia.
Some women in perimenopause and about half of postmenopausal women experience GSM. Even though the incidence is so high, GSM isn’t a subject women talk about freely with their friends or even their physicians. GSM is under-reported and unfortunately for many women, under-treated. GSM affects women’s quality of life because of the negative effect on sexual function, enjoyment of sex, sexual intimacy, self-esteem, and emotional well-being.
Don’t let GSM dictate your washroom breaks, ruin your intimate relationships or decrease your enjoyment of life. There’s an array of treatments out there and no need to suffer!
There are over-the counter (without prescription) products to alleviate vaginal dryness, burning, irritation, and painful intercourse. If these treatments aren’t effective, women can use prescription topical hormone therapy, a cream or vaginal ovule inserted directly into the vagina which does not have the same side/adverse effects as hormone therapy taken orally (in a pill form).
(I will write more about hormone therapy and side effects in another post!).
Some women may also experience structural problems, such as organ prolapse*, for which there are treatments available as well.
If your physician doesn’t ask about the health of your vagina and you are experiencing genitourinary symptoms, bring it up at your next visit.
Don’t let GSM decrease your enjoyment of life!
Teresa is a Trailblazer in the Toronto West branch of Happy Healthy Women. She provides one-on-one consultations, in person and online, offering support and care, evidence-based, and accurate information, to enable women to make informed choices about the management of their menopause.
To learn more about Teresa Isabel and her work visit: https://menopaused.org/en/
Contact by email Teresa@menopaused.org
